It starts out so innocently. It always does; most often when you move into your new home. Mine started out that way. We were young, what can I say? Had we known then what we now know, perhaps things would have been different. It was a big house, at least compared to our tiny little apartment. Each of our kids had their own room, which was perfectly fine. Every room had a purpose; we ate in the living room, did crafts in the dining room etc. But what caught us off guard was upstairs, to the right. That is where the monster was born. We had a space, a large room, which had no allocation. So we slowly added Character to the dark lonely room, a bookshelf here, a desk there etc. Through the years Character became Clutter. By the time the kids had moved out and we laid our parents to rest Clutter had grown so out of hand that it became Hoard. Now Hoard has a bad habit of going viral. We had him fairly contained to the upstairs, the garage, the master closet, the kid’s garage… then he started to creep downstairs. Hoard was taking over our house and our lives! It was time to tame the monster!!!
So how do you tame the Hoard Monster? The very first thing you do is to stare blankly into the most contaminated room. Most of the time your jaw drops and you shake your head in disbelief. A feeling a complete overwhelming helplessness settles in. That is one of Hoards greatest weapons! He is quite cunning you know. But I found his weakness, his Achilles’ heel. He is so busy flaunting his vastness that he doesn’t recognize teeny tiny attacks. So after your jaw is back up and your head is stabilized, plot out a plan of action. I started with the craft room, formerly known as Sarah’s room. Remember teeny tiny steps. I tiptoed into the room, so I wouldn’t step on anything, and started with just one plastic box of unknowns. Hoard didn’t even realize I had organized it at all! Success was mine! So day after day, week after week I conquered little bits of Hoard. It was not always easy, sometimes Hoard deployed some of his worst weapons i.e. the Remember Whens, the Just in Cases, and the horrible Too Cutes. But I had a goal; I needed space more than stuff. Especially if I am to spoil my new twin grandsons!
I am happy to say that after two months of grueling war, the Hoard Monster has been defeated. I still live with Clutter, she is small, but I will have to constantly work at keeping her at bay. But with my new order, my freedom from Hoard, I can now concentrate on the best things in life!
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Is that Your hair?
Growing up as a strawberry blonde, I was quite used to people commenting on my hair. “Oh you have such beautiful hair” or “I wish I had hair that color”. Sometimes people would ask more personal questions like “which of your parents has the red hair?” That one took some explanations, since my mother had black hair and my father’s coif was sandy brown. My oldest brother has the sandy brown, and my other brother inherited the black. So I told them that my locks were from a secret government experiment, and if they even brushed up against them, they would have to go into the Witness Protection Program. I liked that story, because invariably, most people couldn’t just look at my hair, they wanted to touch too.
So one day, I was taken back by a question. I was at the bank with my father, and the teller spied my infamous light ginger hair and asked “Is that your hair?” What? That was a silly question. A million answers raced through my head.
1. Why yes it is, I just bought it yesterday from Harriett’s Wig Shoppe.
2. On no, I am just borrowing it from my Dad. (Who, by the way, was quite bald at the time) We only have one hairpiece in the family and it is my turn to wear it.
3. No, I stole it from the circus last night, along with five juggling balls and a fiery hoop.
4. Actually it isn’t hair at all, I am smuggling a Tribble on top of my head. You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get quadrotriticale? I hear it is their favorite food.
5. I got it on a free 30 day trial, and if I am not totally satisfied within that time I may return it, and I get to keep the bonus tortoise shell hair clip as a gift. But wait, there’s more... if I order in the next 5 minutes they will double my order, I just have to pay the extra processing and handling.
6. Haven’t you ever heard of the new wearable Chia pets?
After thinking about it for a little while, I realized she was just wondering if I dyed my hair. So I was polite and told her it was my natural color, and I own the patent rights to it.
So one day, I was taken back by a question. I was at the bank with my father, and the teller spied my infamous light ginger hair and asked “Is that your hair?” What? That was a silly question. A million answers raced through my head.
1. Why yes it is, I just bought it yesterday from Harriett’s Wig Shoppe.
2. On no, I am just borrowing it from my Dad. (Who, by the way, was quite bald at the time) We only have one hairpiece in the family and it is my turn to wear it.
3. No, I stole it from the circus last night, along with five juggling balls and a fiery hoop.
4. Actually it isn’t hair at all, I am smuggling a Tribble on top of my head. You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get quadrotriticale? I hear it is their favorite food.
5. I got it on a free 30 day trial, and if I am not totally satisfied within that time I may return it, and I get to keep the bonus tortoise shell hair clip as a gift. But wait, there’s more... if I order in the next 5 minutes they will double my order, I just have to pay the extra processing and handling.
6. Haven’t you ever heard of the new wearable Chia pets?
After thinking about it for a little while, I realized she was just wondering if I dyed my hair. So I was polite and told her it was my natural color, and I own the patent rights to it.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Waiting
Waiting. That's what we do. We wait in line for a movie, show, game etc. We wait for an eternity (maybe even longer) at a doctor's office. We wait in front of restrooms for our loved ones, if you ever want a good chuckle look in front of the little girl's room, those poor husbands with their fancy purses trying to look so manly. We wait for loved ones to get home from meetings. We even wait for information. So, what do we do while we are waiting? Here are some examples that work well for me.
1. Name each one of your fingers. Make sure they have first and last names. If available, draw little faces on your fingernails with a pencil. I have many times named my left little pinky finger Xerxes McQuerty. For fun, get some olives and/or bugles to make hats.
2. Invent a new language. Start at the beginning of the alphabet, lets say with the word Apple. Since an apple could be a FRuit, the name of a cOMPany, or part of an exprESSion (the apple of my eye) your new word for apple would be frompess. Try not to do this if you are tired, or mad because some of the new words might end up really messy. (Like the time I invented a new word for my husband... Papa, dOOfus, Pennypincher... yet another late night waiting up for him.)
3. Count how many different noises you can make with your mouth. At one time I counted 132, but had to stop when the doctor came in and wondered why my finger was in my mouth and I was drooling. To avoid getting a gaseous accusation, it is best to make sure you are alone while performing this waiting technique.
4. Try to find the hidden pictures on a textured wall. If you stare at a textured wall long enough, you will start to see different images appear. Sometimes they are simple... like a blob. But with much practice and determination, you will soon be seeing much more complex images such as puppy or maybe a chrysanthemum. Hopefully your wait time doesn't extend to discovering the collected works of Monet.
5. If all else fails, write a blog entry. If your lasagna is made and you are still waiting for your husband to get off work, you could write an interesting blog about waiting. You could describe a few of your multitude of techniques to keep yourself busy while waiting. For example, you could name each of your fingers...
We wait, that is what we do. Let me introduce you to Xerxes McQuerty.
1. Name each one of your fingers. Make sure they have first and last names. If available, draw little faces on your fingernails with a pencil. I have many times named my left little pinky finger Xerxes McQuerty. For fun, get some olives and/or bugles to make hats.
2. Invent a new language. Start at the beginning of the alphabet, lets say with the word Apple. Since an apple could be a FRuit, the name of a cOMPany, or part of an exprESSion (the apple of my eye) your new word for apple would be frompess. Try not to do this if you are tired, or mad because some of the new words might end up really messy. (Like the time I invented a new word for my husband... Papa, dOOfus, Pennypincher... yet another late night waiting up for him.)
3. Count how many different noises you can make with your mouth. At one time I counted 132, but had to stop when the doctor came in and wondered why my finger was in my mouth and I was drooling. To avoid getting a gaseous accusation, it is best to make sure you are alone while performing this waiting technique.
4. Try to find the hidden pictures on a textured wall. If you stare at a textured wall long enough, you will start to see different images appear. Sometimes they are simple... like a blob. But with much practice and determination, you will soon be seeing much more complex images such as puppy or maybe a chrysanthemum. Hopefully your wait time doesn't extend to discovering the collected works of Monet.
5. If all else fails, write a blog entry. If your lasagna is made and you are still waiting for your husband to get off work, you could write an interesting blog about waiting. You could describe a few of your multitude of techniques to keep yourself busy while waiting. For example, you could name each of your fingers...
We wait, that is what we do. Let me introduce you to Xerxes McQuerty.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Wahdanno
My spell check is completely useless. It not only highlights my perfectly good Kellian words as misspelled, it does the same to everyday English words as well! I am utterly dismayed that technology can't recognize common everyday vocabulary. For example, here are a few words I use almost everyday:
Yowt?: This is what you yell to your hubby after his shower and before you turn on the washing machine. You need to make sure he is finished and out, or else he may receive a chilling surprise.
Moph: Which is usually followed by a sweet little kiss and a head bonk. My hubby says it every morning before he leaves for work. I usually reply "okay, have a good day at work, be a good boy, drive careful, don't get wet and don't eat raw boogers<--- my daughter added that last one"
Wahdanno: It is the most common answer given when asked for an opinion, i.e. questions I might ask my hubby: What do you want for dinner? wahdanno, What movie do you want to go see? wahdanno, What veggie do you want for Easter? Asparagus!!! Okay, not all answers are wahdanno.
Indahwae: What you call most dogs and some cats. Some people even call their kids by that name. As for my dog, it happens most when I am trying to get through a door, she is always Indahwae, because she just lays in the doorway completely oblivious to the large basket of laundry I am holding.
Jeet?: Followed by either of two responses; noju? or yaju? This is what is asked around mealtime to find out if you are going to dine alone or not.
All these, and more are very common English words. So it proves my point, my spell check is definitely useless. So until next blog... Moph.
Yowt?: This is what you yell to your hubby after his shower and before you turn on the washing machine. You need to make sure he is finished and out, or else he may receive a chilling surprise.
Moph: Which is usually followed by a sweet little kiss and a head bonk. My hubby says it every morning before he leaves for work. I usually reply "okay, have a good day at work, be a good boy, drive careful, don't get wet and don't eat raw boogers<--- my daughter added that last one"
Wahdanno: It is the most common answer given when asked for an opinion, i.e. questions I might ask my hubby: What do you want for dinner? wahdanno, What movie do you want to go see? wahdanno, What veggie do you want for Easter? Asparagus!!! Okay, not all answers are wahdanno.
Indahwae: What you call most dogs and some cats. Some people even call their kids by that name. As for my dog, it happens most when I am trying to get through a door, she is always Indahwae, because she just lays in the doorway completely oblivious to the large basket of laundry I am holding.
Jeet?: Followed by either of two responses; noju? or yaju? This is what is asked around mealtime to find out if you are going to dine alone or not.
All these, and more are very common English words. So it proves my point, my spell check is definitely useless. So until next blog... Moph.
Friday, January 22, 2010
My Castle
Every one's home is his/her castle, right? I know this to be true. In fact I live in a magical castle, just like Hogwart's from Harry Potter! Are you one of those people who say there is no such thing as magic? Some day you ought to come and explore my enchanted castle.
In Hogwarts, there is a secret room, the Room of Requirements aka as The Come and Go Room. I have one too! When you first walk into the front door om my house, the room magically transforms into a hall to the kitchen, complete with shoes and other miscellanea on the floor. Wow, huh?
I have so far been able to conjure up at least 10 different rooms from that very same spot.
The most common form this room takes is a dining room. Whenever we want to eat our dinner, the dining room appears, complete with table and chairs. Some times the room transforms into a room for art classes. It comes complete with cubbies for things such as glue and scissors, and paper for drawing flazzoiters. Once in awhile it changes into an art studio where there is much nicer art supplies such as prismacolor pencils and light tables. It has been known, especially on weekends when the kids are over, to be a game room. The game room is always stocked with the essentials... games, snacks, and the occasional paper towels to clean up root beer spews from laughing too hard. The room once became a kingdom in a far away place, complete with a newspaper castle. Another time the room became a bedroom, furnished with a bed, nightstands and two happy grandparents. The room sometimes appears as a sewing room, complete with tissues to wipe the tears from laughing so hard at things like inside out bean bags. During the holidays, the room changes into a staging room, full of baskets and bags of goodies to hand out to friends and neighbors. And even once, a long long time ago, it was a skating rink! I am sure there are many more transformations, but for now I am going to go and clean up the temporary food storage room so my husband can use the room for an office to pay the bills.
So you see? My home is a magical castle.
In Hogwarts, there is a secret room, the Room of Requirements aka as The Come and Go Room. I have one too! When you first walk into the front door om my house, the room magically transforms into a hall to the kitchen, complete with shoes and other miscellanea on the floor. Wow, huh?
I have so far been able to conjure up at least 10 different rooms from that very same spot.
The most common form this room takes is a dining room. Whenever we want to eat our dinner, the dining room appears, complete with table and chairs. Some times the room transforms into a room for art classes. It comes complete with cubbies for things such as glue and scissors, and paper for drawing flazzoiters. Once in awhile it changes into an art studio where there is much nicer art supplies such as prismacolor pencils and light tables. It has been known, especially on weekends when the kids are over, to be a game room. The game room is always stocked with the essentials... games, snacks, and the occasional paper towels to clean up root beer spews from laughing too hard. The room once became a kingdom in a far away place, complete with a newspaper castle. Another time the room became a bedroom, furnished with a bed, nightstands and two happy grandparents. The room sometimes appears as a sewing room, complete with tissues to wipe the tears from laughing so hard at things like inside out bean bags. During the holidays, the room changes into a staging room, full of baskets and bags of goodies to hand out to friends and neighbors. And even once, a long long time ago, it was a skating rink! I am sure there are many more transformations, but for now I am going to go and clean up the temporary food storage room so my husband can use the room for an office to pay the bills.
So you see? My home is a magical castle.
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